If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
