You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
