if you like me you must not know who I am
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
