when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
