i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
