Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
