Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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