my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
