Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
