Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
