look no pants
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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