My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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