Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
