At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
