i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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