They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
