I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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