i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Randomize
