I'm going to jail i love you
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
