Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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