I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
third nipple confirmed
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You left your phone here
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