The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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