I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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