why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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