Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
