Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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