now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
