cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
