What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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