you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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