his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
