i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Randomize