somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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