i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You brought string cheese to the strip club
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
