plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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