life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
