you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
