I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Randomize
