There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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