I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize