im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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