you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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