As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
