I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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