So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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