I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
