I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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