remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
