I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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