I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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