dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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