I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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