I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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