So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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