Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
