she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
