see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
