im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
