made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
time to smoke my breakfast
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
