proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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